Mom Mom had a boyfriend. Now he's dead and in the shed.

My grandmother was so lost when my grandfather died. She missed him terribly. She left his flannel on his chair and his boots sit where he last took them off. It took her a long time to start living again. I would have to say about 12 years later she found a boyfriend. Al was his name. He was such a goofball. It wasn't that he was trying to be funny he was just odd. Don't get me wrong everyone liked Al, we just love to laugh at him more. Every time my grandmother went out with him, she would return with a wild story of her adventures with Al. They drove to Atlantic City. On the way there she called me. She was laughing so hard. Al had stopped at a Dunkin Donuts to clean himself up. He messed himself. Al was always doing something. He loved attention. During a trip to Vegas Al fell. I went to a flea market with him once and he saw a women he knew and he put his arm around me to try to make her think we were together. He found a Chuck-E-Cheese gift card on the ground and gave it to my son for his birthday.  Took him and my nieces and mom mom and found out the card was no good. It had only a few pennies left on it. I had Thanksgiving dinner and he came with my grandmother. Al got up from the dinner table. Walked to the bathroom. Threw open the door and tossed his cookies. It went everywhere. Including my ex-husband who was sitting on the toilet. Then he passed out. This was one of the best Thanksgivings ever. Not because Al was sick but because it was another Alventure. Well Al's last day was getting off a bus from Atlantic City. He was walking to his car and passed out again. This time he hit his head. He had a stroke and died. A few weeks later my mother and I were at mom mom's house and I saw two really pretty boxes. She had just gotten back from one of her many exotic trip. "Are those jewelry boxes". No she said. The one is Al's ashes. I was mortified. And the other Al's wife. "Mom mom why in the world do you have the ashes?" Well, his children didn't want them. I don't know the reason but my grandmother was now in possession of her dead boyfriends ashes and his dead wife. My mother and I thought it strange, but not as strange as where she had been keeping them. IN THE SHED! "Why in the shed mom mom?" "Twos company threes a crowd". At some point she finally shipped them both off with Al's children but his memory will always be with me as the kooky old man my grandmother had stored in her shed!  Missing you Al and all your Alventures!

We are in Trouble America!

I just wanted to rant today. I really don't know how we as Americans are going to survive as a country. This is not about race, religion, or economic status. This is about something that is effecting everyone. Everyone that is except our government. I have change my party affiliation in the past few years but that has done nothing because no matter what political party you belong to, it effects everyone. The economy. I have a job but there are many that don't. My job is really not helping to get anywhere though. I am making half as much money I made 12 years ago and it seems the cost of living is twice as much. With these numbers how is an American supposed to survive. Seems like every few months my family has to give something up in order to keep going. I do not have health insurance. Not because my job does not offer it but because I can not afford it. It would cost me a third of my yearly salary. So do I pay for health insurance that the government is trying to force me to get or do I feed my children. Everyday the cost of living is going up. Every time they raise the gas and oil prices, everything else goes up. At this rate it is not even going to be worth going to work. We might as well go back to pioneer days and live off the land. The people we elect into office don't do what we ask of them. Doesn't matter if they are Democrat or Republican. They do what fills their pockets. They do not feel the hurt the rest of us feel. When their terms are over they are still being paid, they are still being insured by us. I work to pay the salaries and for health insurance and for the big retirement checks these public servants receive. While they live the high life the rest of us are paying for it. We are fast becoming a country of have and have nots. There is no longer classes. We have the Government and the poor. Yes the Poor bastards (US) who keep letting the government take and take and take. Getting back to these oil and gas prices. We are being forced into submission with the excuses of troubles in the Middle East. Last time gas prices were drastically inflated was due to a hurricane. I think we all remember that. Oil companies has record profits that year. Who paid? We did. I think it's time we take back our country America. We were built on the foundation For the people and by the people. We are no longer the ones running the show. Government has taken over. We may have put these people in office but they are not working for me. They are working for themselves. (For me by me). Our government no longer listens to what we want. They tell us what they want. How dare they? FOR THE PEOPLE AND BY THE PEOPLE. Lets take it back.

The Mysterious Floating Purse?

Having a drug addict for a husband made me become a very light sleeper. It also caused me to sleep with my purse. This was because he made a habbit of taking any and all money from it and my Mac card. He would take whatever was in my purse and wipe out my bank account. So sleeping with my purse was the only logical choice. I had come to expect him on a nightly basis to try to sneak my purse out of the bed. I always woke to find him crawling around on the floor. It always ended in a fight. One night I woke up and the room was dark. I seen a dim light coming from the door way. My eyes adjusted and what I saw was impossible. My purse was floating across the room. There was no one in the room. Not that I could see. Was I still asleep? Was I dreaming? No the purse was truely floating in thin air. How can this be? I quickly jumped up and grabbed it. It was hooked onto something. I pulled the purse and something fell to the floor. I got out of the bed and turned on the light. My husband had a pool stick and was using it to lift my purse from the bed without entering the room. Unreal. I was being rolled by my own husband while I slept. Anyone up for a game of pool. 8 ball in the side POCKET BOOK!

Was that a dental cleaning or a come on?

I lost a filling in December. I made an appointment and had x-rays done the first week in January. They couldn't give me an appointment to fix the tooth until March 5, but they did have time to clean my teeth the next week. I went back for the cleaning and they hygentist, Bella (isn't that the name of the girl in that vampire movie)was cleaning my teeth. When I went in my mouth was dry, now I could not keep from swallowing the drool that I was gaging on. Bella asked me if I was alright. I told her that I had a dry mouth before coming in and now.... That's when it got weird. Bella answered for me. Now it's wet! She said this with a rise in her voice and a giggle. Then she started to comment and then said "I better not say anything, I should keep it professional". Then she said "Well I guess I have to tell you now". She went on to tell me about her friend who was 43 years old and had gone through a divorce. Now she had a boyfriend and her friend told her she couldn't believe that she could still be aroused. Now Bella did not put in those words. Bella said " She can still get WET". I was shocked that this conversation was happening at the dentist office. So much for keeping it professional. This dental clean was now getting dirty. Bella continued to giggle through out the rest of my cleaning. When she was done she asked if I had an appointment for my filling. I told her they couldn't see me until March 5th. She then went and double booked the dentist and made sure it was on a day she would be there. She said it would be a shame if I had to have the tooth pulled because the made me wait. "You have such pretty teeth". She gave me an appointment for February 19th at 11:30. I left and went back to work. Later that afternoon I got a call from none other than Bella. She talked to the dentist and he could see me on that next Monday anytime I wanted to come in. And yes she would be there. I told her I could not make it on that date. Yesterday I got another call from Bella asking me to come in early to my appointment. Now I have to wonder, why is Bella calling me. She is the hygentist. There is a girl in the office that does the schedualing. This girl is usually who calls me. So I just have to ask, Does anyone else get a dry mouth before going to the dentist?

Why Should I open the Window? Just Rip It Out!

I am 15 years old. Came home from the St. Mikes Fair. It's about midnight. My parents are asleep. My sister Dawn and our friend are hanging out. I go to bed. Now if you know me, I don't like to be bothered when I'm sleeping. I must have fallen right to sleep. I guess it was about an hour later. I am still asleep, but I can hear my sister calling my name. It was coming from a distance. I did not wake up. I can hear her saying let me in and at this point the bedroom door is being pushed on but not opening. Still asleep. I hear all this comotion going on. For some reason I could not open my eyes. Maybe Dawn is messing with me. She always liked to harrass me while I slept. It was a big joke. The door finally flew open as did my eyes. What I saw was a blur. There was a man jumping out my bedroom. What the hell. At this point this person did not scare me, he woke me up. How dare he. Why did he do that? I ran out of the house screaming. What are you doing in my room? Then it hit me. What just happened? My mother was up now. She tried to get my father up, but he wasn't going to budge. We called the police. They checked everything out. This man accually took the window completely out of the frame. My father still would not get up. What a guy! Your teenage daughter just had someone break into her bedroom while she slept. The police said it was probably a carnie from the fair. Must have followed me home. I was lucky that night. But the next morning when my dad finally got his ass out of bed. I hear, "It was probably a boy she let in". Yes dad, I invited a boy over. Instead of letting him in through the front door or even opening the window, I just pulled the window out of the frame. Now that I think about it, you must be right. Thanks daddy for protecting me. Your the friggin best.

The Husband and the Cereal Bowl.

Well, there is nothing in the world like being married to a junkie. It is the most embarrassing life you could imagine. I have many stories of this man that are all OMG moments. This one is about a bowl of cereal and lots of Xanax. My husband liked to use drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. He took whatever he could get his hands on. When he took Xanax he would pass out where ever he was. I had found him on the toilet zonked out, standing for long periods of time zonked out, and this particular day zonked out in a bowl of fruit loops. (How fitting they were fruit loops, because I often thought he was a fruit loop) Yes, he was face down in the bowl, and yes there was milk in the bowl. My first thought was this man in going to drown in a bowl of cereal. What a way to go. Maybe I should remove his head from the bowl. But as I did many times before, helping this man only seemed exacerbate the situation. I thought back to when he was zonked out on his feet and slammed his face on the kitchen table. His teeth went through his lip. I was awaken by his pleas for help. Standing over me with blood gushing from his mouth. Or the time I found him passed out on the bathroom floor. He fell of the toilet head first and put his head through the wall. Or the time he was cooking bacon in the middle of the night and had surrounded the stove with paper towels. (to catch the grease) Can you say fire hazard? Oh yes by the way he was naked at the time. Who cooks in the nude? Oh yes and who could forget the time he was standing at the toilet, door wide open. I was in bed and looked out the bedroom door to see him going to the bathroom in his pants. He made it to the toilet but forgot to take his pants down. Yes, he ended up pants less on the living room floor. And me the dutiful wife came to his aide. Everytime I helped him, it came back to kick me in the teeth. So not this time. The humiliation of being married to this man had finally caught up to me. I could bear him no longer. I wanted out. So in my despair, I left my husband to drown in his bowl of fruit loops. I left the house. When I returned, the bowl had been spilled and the dog was cleaning up the mess. I am no longer with this man. And now he will only have a dog to clean up after him. I quit!

The Yard Sale Bike!

My first blog is a story that happened when I was 6 years old. I was so proud. I had gone to a yard sale in the neighborhood. I bought a bike for $3.00. It was my first bike. My sister Dawn and I always fought about everything, so why should this day be any different. Dawn was a rather demanding sister. Whatever I did or no matter what I had she wanted. The amazing yard sale bike with it's banana seat and high handles bars were just enough to cause a huge fight for ownership of the bike. Now Dawn being my little sister, 5years old. She did not understand how important a yard sale bike is to a 6 year old girl who spent her life savings of tooth fairy money on it. So a tug-o-war over the bike ensued. She pulled the handle bars I the seat. Dawn however was not winning the war so being frustrated slammed the yard sale bike to the ground. With a loud crack and what we thought was God intervening, my yard sale bike was now 2 yard sale bikes. The bike broke in half. Dawn had the handle bars with the front tire. I had the seat and the back tire. Needless to say this was enough to end our fight and laugh our butts off. We did have a great rest of the day playing with our yard sale bikes.